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Sixteen fifty an hour? I had never earned that much my entire life. By the time I was back in my car, I was feeling giddy. I turned the engine and rolled down all four windows. It was hot as Hades, but I didn’t care. I had a job! A job that paid me sixteen dollars and fifty cents an hour. I looked in the rearview mirror to backup and I thought how in just a couple of months, I would look in my mirror and see a baby seat with Renee in it. A baby seat. I needed one of those too. Oh the list was getting longer and longer. Maybe Joy could loan me one from the twins when they were just little things, assuming she still had them.
I drove away from the building filled with excitement and hope. I wouldn’t need Jason after all, thank goodness. Of course the reality was that eventually I would have to take time off when I had the baby. Then I would have to find a sitter. A sitter would probably charge at least half of my income. Would they hold my job for me while I was on maternity leave? Did they have to by law?
I would figure that out later. For the time being, I would have an income. I would save as much of it as possible so while I was on maternity leave, I would have money for Renee. I detoured to Wal-Mart. It was usually pretty crowded, but not at that time. Probably too hot for people to be out. I walked directly to the back of the store where the baby clothes and supplies were. There were so many pretty little dresses for newborns. Fancy ones with pink polka dots on the skirts and gingham prints in shades of green and yellow. I traced my fingers over the fabric of one of the green gingham dresses. It had watermelons appliqués sewn on the bodice. So sweet. I looked at the price tag. $15.99. Almost an hour’s worth of work. I released my hold on the dress. It would have to wait until I actually got a paycheck. I slowly walked through the aisles making mental notes of all the supplies I would need. Bottle, wipes, powder, baby lotion and shampoo. Cleaning brushes for the bottles, thermometer, nail clippers, nasal suction bulb, diapers, a highchair. The list seemed endless. Blanket, mobile. A mobile was a luxury item, but I knew my baby would get one. Somehow or another, I would see to it that she would have a mobile over her crib. Her crib! They were so expensive and where was I going to put it in my teeny tiny apartment?
Suddenly, I wanted to cry. I wanted my baby girl to have so many things, but I was in no position to buy them for her. I felt like such a loser. What kind of mother was I going to be, bringing a precious little girl into the world where I couldn’t even afford to buy her a mobile for her crib? I walked away from the baby aisles and out of the store. I had felt so confidant going in, knowing that I would have paychecks soon, good paychecks. But now, looking at all the stuff I needed, the money didn’t seem enough.
I found my car and drove home, only crying once I was behind the wheel. As I pulled into the bumpy dirt street behind the three decker, two little girls stopped their jump roping and stepped to the side of the road to let me pass. As soon as I was past them they were back in the road, one jumping and the other hollering as she counted the number of jumps. “Forty-three. Forty-four.” I guess my interruption didn’t make them start the count over. I watched them for a few seconds and recovered some of my confidence. I was given an opportunity and I was going to make the most of it. My daughter would one day be old enough to jump rope and all these fears would be long gone.
I parked along side the beat up fence that separated the backyard of weeds and dirt from the road. I left enough room to open the car door. It was getting harder and harder to get in and out of the car. I struggled with my bag but shut the door. Across the yard at my front door was a beautiful mixed bouquet of flowers in a clear vase. Oh no. Jason figured out where I live. I shuffled, which I was doing more of lately, down the length of the dirt driveway. Two cars were parked, one belonging to the landlady and the other to her son. Their tenants parked wherever they could find a spot. I opened the gate and walked down the few steps. I reached for the card in the little plastic stick. On the little florist card was Jason’s handwriting. “Mackenzie, please give me a second chance. Love, Jason.” My heart raced. He knew where I lived. I didn’t want to see him.
It was hard to bend down and grab the vase, but there wasn’t a lot of water so none splashed on me as I grasped it into the crook of my elbow. I unlocked the door and stepped in. On the floor just on the other side of a door was and envelope with just my first name scrawled on the front, in Jason’s handwriting. I put the flowers on the little round kitchen table that served as my desk as well. I went back to the envelope and bent down for it. I didn’t open it but rather called Joy, tossing the envelope next to the flowers.
“Hi Mackenzie,” she answered on the third ring. In the background, I could hear one of the boys crying.
“Joy, did you tell Jason where I live?”
“Of course not. I take it you’re home now. Where were you?”
“How does he know where I live?”
“He doesn’t. I delivered the flowers and the note.”
I felt a sense of relief wash over me but I only felt a little better. I had worked hard to distance myself from Jason and having his presence in my home was unnerving to say the least. “Did you call him?”
“No. He called me. Said he found out you worked at Pepper’s and went by there. Found out you had been fired. Mackenzie, he really wants to work things out with you. Give him a chance.”
“Whose side are you on?”
“Don’t be silly. Yours of course.” The crying got closer. She must have picked up the crying twin because it sounded like he was on the phone.
“I can’t go back to him. He cheated on me, Joy. While I was pregnant.”
“He’s sorry. Really, really sorry. He wants to make it up to you.” And then to the baby in her arms she said, “Shh, shh, shh.” I could imagine her bouncing him on her hip.
“I don’t care that he’s sorry. He shouldn’t have cheated in the first place, then he’d have nothing to be sorry about. And you know things weren’t good between us anyway.”
I don’t know if she heard me over the baby’s crying or not because she said, “Did you open the envelope yet?”
I looked at it on the table. “No.”
“Then open it and call me back.” She didn’t wait for me to answer but I heard her say before she disconnected, “Come on, Paul, stop the crying.”
I closed my phone and stared at the envelope. I told myself that I didn’t want to know what was in it. Part of me wanted to shred it to a million pieces but another part of me was curious. I had fallen in love with Jason the moment I saw him. Something about him made me feel like he could see me all the way to my soul. I knew I was still messed up over him but I couldn’t go back to him, could I? Wouldn’t I be a pathetic if I went back to him?
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