I walked the short distance to the table, telling myself that I wanted to check out the flowers. They were beautiful. Nothing from the grocery store florist. Red and pink roses, not even opened completely, tucked neatly into white and green flowers that I didn’t even know the name of. I traced my fingers across the envelope and I picked it up to investigate his handwriting. I wanted to see if there was any aggression in his penmanship or if it looked friendly. I couldn’t tell but it didn’t look angry. It just looked like his handwriting, near indiscernible print. I flipped it over. It was sealed.
“What the heck,” I said to no one and jammed my finger under the flap. I ripped it opened in a jagged line and pulled out the folded white paper. I opened it to find a money order made payable to me but without my address. It was for five hundred dollars. The letter was printed in his handwriting but I could tell he must have taken his time to write it because it was neater and easier to read than his usual handwriting.
Dearest Mackenzie,
You have every reason in the world to hate me and I don’t blame you if you never wanted to see my face again. But please know that I hate myself too. I hate that I have destroyed everything we had. You and the baby are so precious to me and I would do anything to have you back. My life is so empty without you and I feel like I am dying every day that I wake without you by my side. I know I cannot ask you for your forgiveness but I hope that in time you will know that I promise to never hurt you like that again. Can we please try one more time? I can take care of you and the baby. You won’t have to worry about a job or health insurance. I will make you my wife and make sure that you are taken care of. I hate that you are out there in the world trying to do it all on your own. You don’t have to. Give me the chance to be the man I know I can be and I promise you won’t regret it.
I have enclosed a money order because I knew if I wrote a check from my account you wouldn’t cash it. And I know you need it. I heard you got fired from your waitressing job. But that’s ok. You are too good for that anyway. I know you need the money so I wanted to make sure you had it. I can send you more or better yet, you can come home and never worry about money ever again.
I love you Mackenzie and I think that somewhere in your heart you still love me. A love like ours can’t be destroyed.
Forever yours,
Jason
I read the note a second time before the tears started rolling down my face. I had felt so confidant earlier that I could do this on my own, but I suddenly felt stupid and incompetent. Was I doing Renee an injustice by striking out on my own? Pretending that I could be a responsible caregiver on my own? Hell, I didn’t have money to buy her diapers, let alone a crib. What was I thinking? It was great and all that I was just offered a full time job but I was exhausted all the time. How did I expect to work 40 hours when I felt like I needed a nap every few hours? And with a full time job, I would have to find a daycare for her once she was born. How could I afford that? But not even the money, what kind of mother was I to send her off all those hours in a week? Someone else would be raising her. And then what happens to my job if she got sick and I had to take off from work to stay home with her? It was more than my brain could handle.
I hated Jason for doing this to me. I crumbled the note and tossed it on the floor. The money order stared at me from the table. I decided not to crumble it. I could use it. And it was his responsibility to help anyway. I’m not the one who cheated. At that moment it dawned on me that he would be responsible for child support. I hadn’t even considered that as a possibility. And then I really started to cry because I wandered what kind of father Jason was going to be and suddenly I saw him in my head with another woman. They would be a happy couple and Renee would love going over there to their place where she had toys and her own room and clothes and better food on the table. He would make sure that in his home he provided her with a crib and diapers and a mobile. I completely lost it at that moment. I flung myself on the couch and bawled, hysterically shaking and sobbing. I was going to be the worst mother on the planet and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment